Ten rules to achieve a good headstart in life for your child
by Prof Perla D Santos-Ocampo
Every child is born with the potential to excel, but what becomes of him later in life depends largely on how he is cared for, especially from the moment he is conceived till the first few years of life.
Caring for children and ensuring a conducive environment for them to achieve their potential is by no means an easy feat, but one that demands total commitment of parents in all aspects of their life - mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, and so on.
Parents can better equip themselves for this monumental task of providing the best headstart in life for their little ones by being informed of effective and tried methods of rearing children. Read on for some profound advice and practical tips on how you could do so, by Professor Perla D Santos-Ocampo, FPPS, FAAP (hon), FPSDBP, the Honarary President of the Association of Pediatric Societies of the Southeastern Asian Region. Besides this, Professor Santos-Ocampo also holds many other important positions.
RULE 1: Every child must be wanted.
From the very beginning, every child should be wanted.
What You Can Do:
Prospective parents must seek advice on planning their families. Every pregnancy must be welcomed and every child must be considered as the loveliest gift one can have. Your attitude towards pregnancy can influence the emotional environment prenatally and can influence the mother's health and well being which inevitably will have an impact on the development of the fetus.
RULE 2: Ensure that every child is born well.
Prevent and minimize existence and effects of inimical factors on the unborn fetus and the newborn.
What You Can Do:
a. Genetic Factors
Knowledge of medical background of both parents and families may help in anticipating possible problems and preparing for them e.g. with an Rh negative mother and an Rh positive father, look out for hemolytic disease of the newborn or erythroblastosis fetalis.
b. Maternal Age
An older mother such as those above forty years must be aware of the higher incidence of Down Syndrome.
c. Maternal Obstetrical History
A mother who has had difficulties during pregnancy such as hypertension must be informed that this can result in a smaller infant.
d. Maternal Nutrition and Health
Prospective mothers should receive folic acid to prevent midline defects such as cleft lip, cleft palate and meningoceles.
e. Labor Events
Be familiar with the labor process and be informed that difficult deliveries can lead to birth injuries.
f. Environmental Hazards
Be aware of the possible harmful effects of exposure to toxins, chemical and radiation on the fetus and take measures to avoid them.
RULE 3: Be aware of the newborn's potential:
Keep in mind the innate endowment of the child.
Fallacy 1
In the past the newborn has been described and believed to be a passive being who does nothing but eat, excrete, sleep, cannot see or hear well and is unaware of his environment until three months of age.
Fact:
The newborn has endowments and:
• Is not a passive recipient of environmental stimuli
• Makes a major contribution to his own development
• Responds to mother's heartbeat and voice while still in the womb
• Reacts to loud sounds by kicking in the womb
• Is in an state of alertness for the first two hours after birth
• Has sensory capabilities and can see, hear, even locate sounds and is sensitive to mothers voice, smell, and touch.
• The human newborn, compared to newborn of other species is relatively less competent in the motor area but more capable in the sensory area. This gives more leeway in the development of sensory and affective competencies which are necessary for survival and more chances of success in our highly competitive planet with six billion population.
What You Can Do:
Ensure maternal-infant bonding as soon as the baby is delivered:
• Mothers should try to keep awake throughout labor - try not to sedate but use other means of pain relief
• Put baby on mother's chest for skin-to-skin contact
• Ensure eye to eye contact between mother and baby
• Encourage mother to speak to baby
• Allow mother to hold baby
Fallacy 2
The newborn is a passive recipient of environmental stimuli.
Fact:
The newborn is capable and:
• Can defend himself from stimuli which make excessive demands on his immature physiologic system.
• Has ability to interact with his environment
• Has capacity to deal selectively with environmental stimuli
• Has social predisposition to interact with caregiver
• Has ability to elicit caregiving necessary for adaptation
What You Can Do:
• Offer human rather than nonhuman stimuli such as face, not objects
• Shut out disturbing or overwhelming stimuli such as loud noises.
RULE 4: Provide a nurturing environment for the newborn.
The well-equipped baby will do better and even the minimally brain-damaged newborn may be able to catch up in a fostering environment.
What You Can Do:
• Provide appropriate stimulation for the age group. Researches have demonstrated that appropriate stimulation can raise IQ by as much as 15 points.
Most newborns, at least those considered normal at birth must be assumed potentially gifted, unless proven otherwise by subsequent observations. It is fair to say that most newborns are amazing/competent and must be given the opportunity to attain their optimum if not maximum potential.
• Carry baby in the upright position on your lap, preferably in the flexed or fetal position. Research has shown that the newborn's right side is more sensitive than his left
• Know when baby is paying attention:
o His respiratory rate becomes slower and more even.
o His heart rate drops by 6 to 8 beats per minute.
o His head turns towards stimulus or to you.
o His eyes widen and his pupils dilate. His eyes will focus on the object of attention and this will be maintained for 4-10 seconds.
o His facial expression changes. A smile may appear.
o His abdomen relaxes.
o His fingers and toes stretch forward.
o His sucking will decrease.
RULE 5: Guide your child's growth, support it and nurture him through each stage of development.
What You Can Do:
• Provide him with food that will promote growth and development.
• Bring him for health care to ensure emotional, psychological, and intellectual growth, not only medical and physical.
• Check for red flag signs concerning abnormal growth, development and behavior. Very useful are guide posts for parents, especially new ones and those in the nuclear family system. These can be very difficult to produce at times because child rearing can differ from culture to culture, from race to race, from country to country. Traditions may play a tremendous role in how parents bring up children.
• Learn how to be a parent. Parents have what is termed as parental instincts but in our present complex society, parents need to have extra pointers, may they be from books, magazines, religious organizations, school teachers and counsellors, other parents, your own relatives, child care centers and your own pediatrician. Not all information may be applicable to your situation. Learn how to choose relevant pointers and modify.
• Discuss unusual observations as early as possible with health care giver.
• Institute age-appropriate discipline through rules and guidelines to help him find his limits. Discipline must be firm but not harsh, allowing child to grow.
• Be consistent, fair and humane with rules and guidelines.
RULE 6: Provide appropriate stimulation to enhance his growth and development.
What You Can Do:
• Spend time with him. The amount of time has not been quantified. Quality time although a mere couple of hours can be sufficient. Being at home but in different rooms even for entire days but without interaction will not be helpful.
• Take time to talk, read, sing and play together.
• Moderate stimulation to avoid frustration and negative self-image.
• Offer toys and activities that are appropriate for his age level, not too young nor too difficult for him to use.
For example, a ball can be used by a child only after a year; a tricycle given to a 2 year old might result in frustration.
• Find a variety of playmates.
• Stimulation may come from a number of sources. Expose child to a variety of peoples, places, activities and experiences such as:
o Adult companions, relatives, and friends.
o Books (Research has shown that the number of books in a home may be closely correlated with the intelligence of children.
o Computers and other gadgets
Children should be taught to use computers not only for games but as a source of information.
o Age appropriate: Toys, videos, CD's, and television
o Visits to the library
o Shopping trips, wholesome movies, and shows
o Vacation trips, nature trips (fishing, camping)
• Choose a good school or kindergarten which will enhance his potentials, give him a good start and learn what Robert Fulghum did:
o Share everything.
o Play fair.
o Don't hit people.
o Put things back where you found them.
o Clean up your mess.
o Don't take things that aren't yours.
o Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody.
o Wash your hands before you eat.
o Flush.
o Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
o Live a balanced life - learn some and think some
and draw and paint and sing
and dance and play
and work everyday some.
o Take a rest when needed.
o When you go out into the world, watch out for traffic, hold hands, and stick together.
o Be aware of danger.
RULE 7: Enhance his emotional intelligence
To introduce this topic, here is Howard Gardner's proposal to veer away from current definitions of intelligence towards a multiple intelligence paradigm.
Kind of Intelligence Characteristics
Linguistic Special sensitivity to language, which allows one to choose precisely the right word or turn of phrase and to grasp new meaning easily
Musical Sensitivity to pitch and tone, which allows one to detect and produce musical structure
Logical-mathematical Ability to engage in abstract reasoning and manipulate symbols
Spatial Ability to perceive relations among objects, to transform mentally what one sees, and to recreate visual images from memory
Bodily-kinesthetic Ability to represent ideas in movement; characteristic of great dancers and mimes
Personal Ability to gain access to one's ownfeelings and to understand the motivations of others
Social Ability to understand the motives, feelings, and behaviors of other people.
What You Can Do:
• Give him opportunities where chances of success are good.
• Minimize frustration by helping him or exposing him to challenges which are commensurate with his level of abilities.
• Moderate challenges to avoid a negative self-image.
• Praise him generously and honestly. A child can sense hollow compliments.
• Accept mistakes and point out how best to learn from them.
• Do not threaten with punitive measures that you cannot carry out or do not intend to do so.
• Attend to feelings and actions, whether positive or negative, and discuss these with the child soonest.
• Be careful of your own wishes, dreams and biases in planning for your child.
• Be realistic about expectations commensurate with the child's age and abilities.
• Treat child as a person with respect and recognize his rights as an individual.
• Show you understand emotions and help him resolve them. Be sensitive.
• Teach your child how to cope with anger, conflict and unhappiness in constructive ways. Movies and television can convey undesirable messages such as use of violence to solve problems or withdrawal when he is upset. Show him your own mature way of handling anger and other negative feelings.
• Encourage him to communicate. Good communication can be difficult at times especially under present societal conditions. Parents can be too busy. Anger or frustration can either lead to harsh actions or cause withdrawal and a communications breakdown.
• Devote time to listen to him and encourage him to ask questions. Be attentive and honest.
• Look for changes in behavior that may indicate emotions such as frustration, anxiety, fear, or sadness.
• Look and listen to yourself, too, and find out how you are behaving and what you are saying. Impulsive comments and even jokes can be cruel and hurtful.
• Show him that it is not sufficient to say I love you. Show him love in words and actions (physical contact through rocking, hugging, kissing).
RULE 8: Instill core values in your child. In a way this will enhance his emotional intelligence.
What You Can Do:
• Identify critical behavior that will reflect core values. Cherished are respect for authority, love for God and country, honesty or trustworthiness, dependability or responsibility, etc.
• Set the example
• Give guidance and encouragement regarding these, not commands or demands.
• Start to establish good attitudes and habits early. A child is never too young to understand.
• Encourage him to participate in family rituals and traditions.
• Discuss questions and patiently explain your beliefs in age-appropriate language.
• Build up his self respect and confidence. Remember, self-esteem and belief in oneself takes years to establish.
RULE 9: Give your child the gift of feeling secure.
What You Can Do:
• Be there when your child needs you. It is necessary to have your child feel secure in your love and in his home.
• Console him after a hurt, both physical and psychological.
• Hold his hand during a visit to the doctor.
• Hug him after a shot.
• Bring him to school on the first day.
• Accompany him when he requests.
• Set limits as appropriate. He will feel more loved wen he senses that this is a way of manifesting concern.
• Spend time with him through mutually enjoyed activities.
• Listen to him.
• Praise accomplishments.
• Do not lie. A child can always detect this and will not believe in you. A common example is seen in the clinic when a parent keeps on telling the child that a shot won't hurt. One can tell when a child feels secure and believes in his parent by bravely accepting the shot while an insecure child despite assurances will keep on screaming and struggling.
• Ensure wholesome and sound family dynamics. An intact loving family contributes much to promoting a child the security of having both parents helping him grow and develop.
RULE 10: Facilitate development of independence in your child
What You Can Do:
• Hear his view and let him share in decision making appropriate for his age, e.g. choosing toys, colors.
• Let him know that he can go on his own, once he can do so. Let him know that it is like learning how to bike and once he has learned, he can move where he wants.
• Give him responsibilities commensurate with his needs, chores at home, caring for pets and keeping his things in place.
• Trust him to distinguish between needs and wants.
• Give love unconditionally.
• Show your child that he can trust you and can depend on you.
Reminders for Parents
• The best way to teach a child is by example.
• When enhancing the potentials of children, it is necessary to achieve a balance between the child's capabilities (capacity) and undue pressures or overstimulation, in order to offset future problems.
• Don't push or reprimand if child cannot achieve.
• It is imperative to take into account the child's holistic development as a total person in all domains.
• Seek support and advice. If necessary obtain counseling. Do not be shy or embarrassed to ask for help.
• Avail of guide posts for rearing children, especially if it is your first time and you are a nuclear family.
• Don't try to make your children do what you wanted to do but could not, e.g., dancing the ballet.
• Always delineate your needs from those of your child.
• Take care of yourself and the other members of the family.
• Don't be afraid of failure as a parent. You won't.
• Speaking of don'ts, there should not be too many of these.
Concluding Remarks
• Develop an interactive loving relationship Between caregiver/parent and child aimed at total growth of child in all areas
- physical
- mental
- emotional
- social
• Approach should be holistic.
• No area should be sacrificed in favor of one.
• The end goal is to have a healthy, happy mature adult.
• Parents innately have skills of parenthood:
- nurturing
- guiding
- protecting
- sharing
- loving
• But practice makes perfect
• Rest assured that as long as parents mean well and want the best for their children, 99% of the goal is achieved.
Final message is:
'Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them.'
- PJ O'Rourke